LJ2

Am I turning into a whore? Is it an outside force?

This will be a journal blog from the past two days..........also, a reminded to myself. For people reading these, I will be of course talking with names you are unfamiliar with. I will, in time, make a list of the people around my life.

Work, I find out my brother, who was going to be my partner in the future business, quit. I am left with questions of what is left for him. His car, gone, his money, depleted, his job, over. Over........a simple fight between him and my cousin, it was my brother's decision, my cousin was never going to fire him. But, stubborn as my family is, that is it for him. He won't ever work with us again. That is unless, until I take over in the next five to six years, and see him struggling, I will of course...look out for my blood, my family.

I leave work, already knowing that his position had been filled. He was not hard to replace, that is the sad thing. Our cousin is doing both of us a huge favor. I know, pride was at fault. BUT, I know that I see a very good future in this job. I will not lose it so easily. I can see my future with out my cousins help, I am naive into this huge new world of clothes. I am not yet a person suitable to work here, yet I......we were given an opportunity to prove our worth.

Anyways, I leave work. I go to my old Publix, cause I have money I need to roll up. Not any thoughts of talking to old familiar faces. I drive in there, to see Sergio walking in front of my car. He lives no where near this place, so his presence seemed odd. It truly sucks, me and him, we were good friends. Be it, he was older, we used to hang out all the time. Breaking up with Delia was also, the break in our friendship, so when I do see him I feel bad, cause we are not the same, not anymore, not ever.

I see him, and of course I do not ignore him, I really hate to ignore people. His new wife leaves him, and me and him talk as we walk into the store. Ah.................my first job. How I hate this place so much. I walk in looking busted as hell, since in the morning I worked out at Steve's house and went straight to my job like that. I love the fact that I don't have to get dressed for this job. Well, at least, not when I am working in the office. .............Ahem, anyways back in Publix, no sooner then I get in visible range of the express lane does a girl I went on a date with long ago run up to me and grabs my arm, feeling it up I had assumed. Smiling at me, saying how good I look, I am still trying, but I don't even remember her name, over her. I move on. Sergio is still spitting shit in my ear, talking of what me and "the boys" are doing this weekend. Of one thing I was sure, I was going to spend a day with Jessy, though she had, recently, been giving me a cold shoulder. I wanted to figure out what was up. He was talking up a storm, just trying to feel me again, asked about Valentines. He nodded when he heard what I did and spent for Jessy, he acknowledged what I knew. That people are blocking us from, being. I picked up my change which I had turned into fifty seven dollars and was going to walk away, of course when Sergio was done talking to me. He leaves, then, I see in the corner of my eye, this girl named Kelly. White chick, an OLD friend of mine from pre-school days. A very attractive girl too, for being white.....hah. Anyways, when I worked there, I......well used to "fondle" her a lot. She never stopped me, so I never asked questions. I get her attention and she basically stops what she is doing to run over to me to chat. Blah blah blah, I don't care what you are saying. Misses me, yeah yeah.......I am like so ready to leave. I went there to get money so I could buy Stella Deus, at the moment, in mattered more. A customer occupies her, so I make me way towards the door when she yells back, "no no do not leave let me walk you to yer car." She gave me her number in the process. The walk to MY car was odd, we did not really walk to my car. We walked to hers. she opened it, the stench of old man ass and smoke came form the 03 Jetta. She blamed it on a previous owner. I, my sarcastic ass, blamed it on her immortal love for old man sex in cramped places. Now, I think she wanted me to get in the car. I made some silly pot head joke and started to walk back, she got the hint and followed me. Hugging me, why was not I hugging back? I don't want to disappoint her when I had someone I wanted to be with more. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we went our separate paths.

I had to think about it. There was a very large assortment of girls around me now. Wanting me:

Kristen - the girl who I used to work with at the children's place. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she was talking to me non stop.

Nelly - an old High school fling who saw me recently and wants to hang around with me more.

Alexis - My ex cousin, who my mom is trying desperately for me to get with. Nice, cute girl, I still see her as family.

Kathy - Ok, now this one really is not an option. This girl is fifteen, but she flirts with me and I do the same. I am just saying, if I wanted to.................

Jessica - I..........would trade them all for her.

.................I did not want to think about it. I played some spanish music in my car and the time passed. I could...be the biggest whore at this time, but I don't want to get involved unless it's her. I am ready, the real question is...was she? It is a lot to ask an eighteen year old. She seemed ready, her words felt true around New Years, but a long time has passed. Has she strayed away from me?

"That will be 53.49, bro." Said the voice behind the counter, as I stood in line to pick up Stella Deus. I snapped out of my daze and paid him with my new found money, that was converted from pocket change.

The rest of the day is boring, well not for me I was playing Stella Deus all night long after I got home, for all you...yeah I guess it would seem boring.

Day 2, April 29th.......

A rush, I am awoken by the pain in my throat, the soar throat still hurting me. I get a call from Daniel, asking if I want to play Basketball. I feel, like total ass, but I heard that sweating away the sickness is good, so I accept. The game was fun, I grew way to tired entirely too early. It was fun nonetheless.

I get to work, to drive up, to see my brother's replacement. A mid twenty'ish looking woman. Very attractive. A smile creeps up on my face. Pretty women make me happy. Work flew by, until my friend Steve called me. He is my work out buddy and I usually work out with him after school, before work. He calls me, to give me.........an incentive to work out more, but to not get mad. Not get mad me thinks........that usually implies me being extremely pissed off about something. And, since I am a calmed relaxed
person most of the time, I did not have to think long to figure what could possibly get me "mad", Jessy. He then asked if I wanted to know or not, I could feel the blood rise to my head, I was playing with kittens while on the phone, so I had to put the one down or I would literally squeeze it to death. Him not wanting to tell me solidified what I had assumed in my head. Jessica, the girl who I would do anything for, had a boyfriend and did not tell me about it. Betrayal, Anger, Angst, Sadness all filled me. No tears, I was just destroyed inside. My cousin's fiance saw it all over my face. Told me to get a drink, so I did. A couple actually. Then, as I sat there drinking away my pain, I thought of yesterday, of all the potential ass I could get with out trying. I had girls giving me their numbers, begging me to go out with them, asking me to call them up when I was bored. What I could now do, was not anything sane. I was thinking of, revenge. I would, forgive me...use these other girls to make Jessy jealous. All to my advantage, I feel bad for these other girls, but I am hurt and now wish to hurt other people. It is who I am, I can not change the fact. I hope I can change one day. God, now is my youth, the time of my adolescences in sex and exploration. If my goal was to be tied down with one girl, it had been changed today. Why, why did she go behind my back, I could have given her everything. I am building my life, my career in a family established route. Whoever I get with will be set for life. I wanted her, I still do, but.........why?

I wait, thinking of how she will react to seeing me tomorrow. Act like, she has done no wrong. My thoughts are to end up not like Micheal Vick, I don't want to get Herpes. I will protect myself. At least, with Jessy I knew, she was clean. Life disgust me...........