LJ6

"I'm going to Jail."

Quince night............

Our toast was to this being the last quince we ever perform in.

We do what I said, we got dressed at Steven's house. We wait for Danny who has the 151, who by the way is retarded and got there late. We take about three shots before the bottle is dry. Me, Gonzalo, Danny and Steven were the drinkees. Luisito had one shot, and Justin just took pics. Which by the way we are all mostly 21 and this family still advocates drinking. So we did it in Steve's room after Rudy had left. Three shots, yeah we weren't anything special, but I was feeling nice. The suit just never look looked right to me when I went to the mirror. I think it was just me being my usual self doubter, but everyone else said I looked fine.

By the way, I really do have that problem, where I will look at myself in the mirror and contemplate what is wrong with my body. I dunno, I am weird like that. I have so much to work on.

Anyways, we had a limo come pick us up. The rest of the Gang was outside. We go in and drive around a bit before someone remembered we had forgotten something. Instinctevly me and Gomez(gonzalo) jump out of the car to get it. Cause we know, we can raid Steve's parent's scotch and take one more quick shot before we really leave. We do, and then we get what we came inside for and we leave. Still, nothing to set me off, but I was feeling nice. The technical word was "Buzzing", so I was starting to feel the buzz. We get to the place, to take pictures with our couples. Mine, Kathy, who is 15, looked really good. I had to get that out of my mind. I wasn't going to jail.

......I bet I could snag her if I tried though, just saying I COULD do it if I put effort.

We then, after the pictures all got in a party bus, both guys and girls. Albert and Cherry came with us too. There was no room, so I had to sit on top of the cooler door. I opened it to see what was inside to find a bottle of Jack Daniels that is almost empty. Gomez, sitting next spots it as well, our gazes meet and we know, that bottle has to be empty before we get out of the bus. Albert was the wall though, we had to wait till he left the bus for a second before we poured oursleves the stuff. Mind you, Jack Daniels is nasty, but at this point me and Gomez were just trying to get fucked up. Whatever, we finished it and the bus trip was off. Albert, like a damn psychic begins yelling, "Who drank from the bottle in there!" I was sitting ontop of the damn thing, the empty bottle was in the cooler, hidden. How the hell? He grabs it and stares us down. I pour some OJ in my cup and just brush it off, trying to to stare in his eyes.

Really, I am 21 If I want to drink I should be able to freely. I hate when I am with this family that I have to deny that I drink. I mean we all do it, but I guess it is fun hiding the fact from them. They come from being alcoholics and drug dealers, they are just being protective cause they have lived and been through it all. They are a bit OVER protective, and well I am gonna live my life to the fullest.

It didn't matter, cause no one looked drunk. No one was, my and Gonzalo were the most gone and we are the best at holding out liquor. We looked fine.

The only times I get paranoid when this family gets around me is when I am high. But that itself is another story.

The party bus was pretty much me messing with the radio unable to listen to any rap music cause it have profanity it its lyrics. It dropped us back off at the plus(the place where the family throws most of it's parties.) We get ready, we do our thing. We knock it out, I thought we all did a great job. Did I mention Kathy, my partner looked real good? Dammit, why do I like spanish girls so much? I made people laugh during parts where no one should have laughed.............my usual for these events. My brother came, his Ex was here too, and her brother, who he thought didn't like him. Funny as how they never met so Manny didn't even know what Stephen looked like.

Remember I have a best from SteVen, and my brother StePHen. Just trying to help out.

Bam, dance was over. It went by real fast, now was the time to eat, or for me to go around and greet people. Two faces I did not expect there were lil Cari, and old family member long since left the family circle because she chose(basically) her husband over the family. The other was Alisha, Gonzalo's ex. She said she wasn't gonna be here due to her aunt's party. Both seemed amusing enough for me to talk to until I remember who was best friends with both these people, Jessy. Cause right when I went to kiss them she was right there. Looking all beautiful as always.

Did she?

and Alisha and Cari both love to talk to me, and they love to talk to Jessy so there I was stuck with two old friends and this girl I can't have. Jessy acted normal with me, like there was never no other guy. Flirting and what not, we took pictures, we drank, we danced. Basically she was my dance partner for the night. She looked really beautiful, she was not mine. I was furious at the thought of that. That some other guy put his hands on her.

Did she do that at prom?

This was so shitty. I needed to do something, cause then Cari wanted us all to go out clubbing, just the four of us. Like THAT wouldn't me awkward. The night dwindled away and Steve was already making plans for afterwards for us to go out somewhere to hang or something. Meanwhile my brother was getting re-aquainted with his ex, Rachel. It was funny, I dunno, this was like the only girl he had slept with and even since, he hasn't been with anyone so I guess he realized this and went back to what he could obtain. Gomez on the other hand was checking out all the females at the party. He tells me, "I am gonna go to jail." When he says this I know what he means. He is checking out girls that are younger then us. Illegeal even. He is looking at this girl who he jokes about looks to be 13. "It's not worth going to jail for." He would say, then he would come back five minutes later and say, "Shit nigga I'm going to jail!" It didn't matter, the best looking girl there was Jessy, FUCK!

Gonzalo being the ass that he is decided to ask Jessy about this guy when I was sitting next to her. Fun, like I want to know anything about this fag. Seems like she left the college she was going to attend, that was close to where I lived, (one that we had talked about for awhile that she had been wanting to attend real bad.) now to the college where this guy was going.

Great, they are fucking. Or whatever my mind is throwing in my head to get me mad.

Casey and Jojo comes on, "all my life" a real pretty song. What does she do, dances with me, a slow song, singing the song to me.

nwperjgewkgnjeqgnklekntk24l5njgklnglekqnlke4n

She left after that, didn't even kiss my goodbye. I am so glad that was the last song, I was about to lose it. We get to Steven's house back where all of our cars are. Steve says that everyone was going to hang at this girls Heidi's house. It was my Steve, Stephen, and Gomez going. Apparantly Danny was already there with Yenly. We get there to see Rachel outside, (hahahahahaha) and Manny inside (BWAHAHAHAHAHA) and Danny, Yenly, Nikki, Felicia, Jose, and Heidi. Yenly is the only drunk one there. Manny looks at my brother and begins to question who he is. Gomez does the stupid(yet funny as shit) thing to say who he is and who knows him. He mentioned Manny's sister's name at the end and then started laughing. Of course I saw the irony here, but I tried to not laugh, at least not laugh to where Manny could see me. I turned my head and almost cried.

We sit in a circle, Yenly this whole time is talking and drinking. No one else pretty much is drinking. As she continues to drink she just begins to blurt out all sorts of secrets. Like stuff they did at the bachlorette party and even stuff about her sex life with danny. No one was stopping her, but jesus if it wasn't the funniest thing to see her talk all this stupid drunkeness secrets things that she should be telling any of us. We were literally rolling on the floor. While we were leaving, Jose grabbed me and Gonzalo and told us we need to hang out more often, to chill more at his place. This our course meant to go hang with him and smoke, but yeah me and Gonzalo are leeches, and never pay to do any of this stuff. So a guy, offering free weed to us, is A'OK in our books. I just need to get his number.


and that was the end of the night.

........fun huh?

LJ5

So last night we went out clubbing.

Me, Danny, Yenly, Steven, Alexis, Gonzalo, Jackie, Nikki, Greg, Yuri, and then some other girl.

I was supposed to go with Kristen, but she didn't go at the last moment.

We got in VIP to Studio Inc. Javi works there and he got us in for free, and free drinks and stuff.

They were doing a Salsa Contest, winner gets $2,000.00 bucks ya'll. So I was like hmmmmmmmm

Gonzalo took Jackie, the only girl there that even knew how to dance the salsa style I do. So I was at a loss.

Then someone passed with some flowers, Roses to be more specific. I saw them and instinctively I thought of Jessy. Who, usually is my salsa partner wherever we go out dancing. I then back traced a lot, today this was her Prom night. Great, now that was on my mind.

.........I would go out and try to dance, but then my mind was being a real buzz kill. Whenever I was having fun I had the image of Jessy being fucked by someone other then me. All night long, I couldn't get that out of my head.

I was so pissed.

and now I wonder, what if? I will see her tonight, at the quince.

We are dressing up like old Cubans, like how they dressed in Cuba back when it was a jazzy place to visit. We got top hats and overalls and everything.

but still, did she?

I really do hate when my mind does this.

Oh, yeah. Gonzalo thought it would be a fun idea if before this quince we all took three shots of 151.

mmmmmmmmm

LJ4

Cinco De Mayo

Today, it is ok to pretend you are Mexican.

I had the hat.

I had the Taco.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I did the wave in Don Pablos.

I had the tequila shot.

I had the tequila shot.

I competed with an old bald man to see who's shot glass tower could get the highest.

I had the tequila shot.

Is that 13? I can't tell, I am a lil gone. Walked out of there with a 33 dollar tab on just shots.

Only, ONLY day where it is fun to be Mexican.

It's fun, cause after you vomit, you realize how much better you still have it then them.

LJ3

Family Friends, and Online Peeps.

I want to list just about everyone I possibly am in contact with, within the last months or so.

Bored, confused, I do this to pass the time now........

Best friends

These are it, these are them, "The guys" "The suaves" "The swo" "La Mamertos", my inner circle, who I confide all of my deepest darkest secrets. There once was five, now just four remain(me included). We share a family bond and are each others brothers.

Gonzalo - aka, mastermind, it was he that introduced me to everyone. It is his family that also causes me the most pain.

Steven - aka, Suave, the "good looking" guys of the group. Narcissist if I ever saw one. Unique, he is...big on family ties. The only one of us that has not gotten laid before. He seriously needs it too.

Danny - aka, jap, jappy. The goofiest guy I ever met. Seriously he is like having your own personal clown by your side at all times.

Great group of friends, I love them to death. Going on about 9 years of memories.

Family

Gus - my dad, aka crazy Gus. The person who taught me the joys of alcohol. He never had it easy and he is tortured by the fact that he could not give me and my brother... "the world."

Grace - my mom, aka mommy? I dunno, she constantly tries to blame things on me, so sad that it has become funny. She see's her rich sister and wants her life like that, only she can't. A never ending losing struggle I do not get involved with.

Stephen - my brother, my blood. He sees my dad and wishes to be like him. I can see my Dad's pride and foolishness in the actions he does. He is young, the world has something big for him.

Richelle - aka Rocket, my sister. Older and more mature then I ever was, I never had a lil sister to protect, but she had always watched out for me. Even though we are not really related. She is my step mom's daughter, but we never differentiate, we are brother and sister. Whether she like it or not.

Delia R - My step mom, the person who of course was like my second mom. I love her for the fact that she could do what my mom could not. That being, deal with my Dad so that my Brother did not have to go through what I did.

Carla - aka Boli(bole-lee) My mom's sister and financially sound wife of a prosperous business man in my uncle. She runs a hair saloon that I go to when I visit Miami, free cuts of course. When I go to visit her, she always shows me off to her younger clients, making me feel like a meat on display.

Luis - aka Theo Lui, the other half of the saloon, he has a horse ranch and lots of money. He also deals in real estate and constantly has his family move from house to house. I once remember him coloring his hair Blue. He is a goof.

Jihan - my cousin from Luis and Carla. The girl who I spent a whole lot of time teaching me about the opposite sex. We grew up real close and still are. Still she has been older then me and is not someone I can go around protecting.

Andy - My other cousin, the older brother to Jihan. A very responsible hard working man who earned his high paying job. Supports a family with three kids, but is currently dealing with a divorce.

Theo Tito - aka Dumas(real name) My mom's Brother. A real senior in every aspect of his life. He is laid back and enjoys retirement.

Sandra - aka Tito's wife. Hmmmmm

Titico - aka Tito Jr. My cousin who was like my bigger brother, he was always picking on me and making me cry. Ah, but when we teamed up on my lil brother, my lord how fun that was......... He now is married and has two kids.

Nana - My grandmother, real name Adelina Fuentes. Probably the person I love most in this world. Yet, as sweet as that sound, she is also the person who I least like being around. She has Alzheimer's and has completely forgotten about me. I wear her chain around my neck, just the thought of this is making me tear up......

This is gonna take awhile...I might make the descriptions less detailed...........

Mark - My sister's husband. He looks like a bear and his favorite team are the bears, coincidence I think not.

Theo Johnny - The owner of my families liquor store, me and him have become closer since me turning 21. ^^;

Uncle Freddie - the other uncle that owns the liquor store.

Francis - My aunt, disney whore if I ever saw one. Her house is scary.

Tim - My racist uncle, not many people like him, but his jokes are funny.

Little Tim - Tim and Francis' son. A chip off his father's shoulder.

Big Anthony - My uncle, a guitarist who used to be in a band with Hulk Hogan.

Little Anthony - My cousin and boss.

Sondra - Lil Ant's fiance, she is a person stuck in the 80's. Very fun to party with.

Frances - My cousin who I don't get to spend a lot of time with.

Harry - My other cousin, Big Ant's smallest. He has grown past the point of me doing wrestling moves to him.

Jorge - My uncle from my dad's side. He gets married all the time. Has a new wife every time I see him. He has many kids, I only stay in contact with one.

Jorgie - Jorge's son, a pot head who I don't talk to much anymore.

Poopi - Weirdest name ever, my uncle who is a clepto.

Petey - Poopi's son, and a wannabee spanish eminem, although he freestyles and it does not sound too bad.

Leo - My uncle from my father's side who is always at my mom's friend's parties.......

Lacy - Leo's daughter, my cousin who went to high school with me. The only female Radcliff that I know of....

Sarah - My other cousin that I went to High school with. Recent news states she is getting married soon.

Alexis - A person who I thought was my cousin all my life, but who I found is not. A very attractive girl, but when I see her I still see family. If there was anyone in my family that I look out for like a brother and sister relationship it would be her.

Angie - See above, Alexis' younger sister.

Lana - A friend of the family, who just started school. I see her at club's a lot and she always seems drunk.

Sarah - Another friend of the family. On my mom's side of friends, there seems to be a lack of guys my age. Whenever I go to my mom's friend's parties I am like the only young guy there.

Alicia - Another friend of the family. When I was younger she always made me do things I thought were embarrassing, but now I want to do them more. I always had a crush on her when I was younger. Now I think her friend is cute.

Courtney - Ahem, the friend of Alicia. She has always been cute in my eyes, but we almost never see each other.

Reuben - My mom's boyfriend, and the man who is living with us. He is cool, but he tends to get into arguments that are between me and my mom. He is lucky I do not mimic what he says to my dad.

hahahaha that was just mostly family and friends of the family. Now onto my friends families.

Don Gonzalo - aka the Don. Gonzalo's dad and the only man to ever say "Fuck You Sir" and make everyone laugh in fear.

Sandra - Gonzalo's mom and a devoted, super devoted church go'er.

Delia V - Gonzalo's sister. The person who mocks everything I wear. She hates my wardrobe, and pisses me off when she comments about it. Also the person who tells me, that me and Jessy, will never work......

Avi - Delia's husband and the best Reggaton dancer in the family.

Luisito - Avi's nephew. A new comer into the family, he seems cool. Needs help with dancing though.

Christopher - Delia's baby boy. A real cutie.

Anthony - Delia's other kid.

Carrie - Gonzalo's other sister. A more laid back, family oriented person. She is very nice and does my eyesbrows when they get too Cuban.

Glenn - Carrie's Husband. Ex Soldier and an all around cool guy.

Victor - Gonzalo's brother. A Coast guard who acts very much like one of the guys. He likes me, I think, that is until I get around his daughter.

Jessica - Why did I ever meet this girl. Gonzalo's niece, who for the longest time had a crush on me, but I knew this and I could not touch her. Why? Cause this was around the time I was 15 and she was.....12. I then started to get feelings for her and I had to hide them. The family would always watch me, cause at the time, all they knew about me was that I was the son of a Drunk. Time came when everyone knew, when I was about 18, at the time she was too young. She could not handle a long distance relationship. So, I did not wait. I could not I was young and horny, but I repressed my feelings for her. I hid them deep in my inner memory so when I saw her for every family function I wouldn't go crazy. When she finally turned 18 the family all knew I liked her and now wanted me to move forward with her. I still had no news on what she thought of me, so still my feelings stayed dormant. This past New Years, something happened and she confessed that she loved me. Her words, the words I longed to hear. So that is when all my feelings came out. I was happy, I thought she was finally ready, but as recent surveys have showed...she was not. Who knows if she will ever be now. She is still young and naive, so I won't discredit her for this. But, I waited a long time, I do not know how long I can keep this up. She is still my friend, I will not become an ass to her for this. I will be the person she has know, if that is someone she does not want to be with, then I am sorry. I will not change.

*sigh* Onto more family and friend's yay!

Albert - Danny's uncle and my pastor. A real father figure and devoted husband and all around great guy.

Cherry - Albert's wife. Another hard core church go'er.

Natalie - Albert's oldest daughter. She is big on the church stuff too.

Christina - Middle daughter of Albert. We are doing her quince at the moment.

Angelica - The youngest of Albert's daughters.

Luis - Danny's dad. A goofy pastor and another fun dad to be around.

Anita - Danny's mom. Normal mom I guess, married into a family of japs.

Justin - Danny's brother, akak Sea Bass aka Jappy Jr. The kid we used to torment when he was younger by showing hima ll that there was to know about sex when he was like 10.

Nickie - Danny's Sister. Who now is younger then me and has a kid.

Jose - Nickies husband, though we don't know for how long. He like to smoke.

Sergio - Delia's ex husband and father of Chris and Anthony. Was once in our clique, but now after the divorce has grown apart from all of us.

Shugi - aka, sugardaddy. Danny's cousin who by some strange logic related to me, so that makes me and danny distant distant distant cousins.

Maria - Steven's mom. El Diablo. I think this lady both hates me and loves me at the same time. I drive her insane, but I like to.

Rudy- Steven's dad. Creator of the awesome drink. "Fruity Rudy"

Jackie - Steven's sister, who kinda gets on my nerves at times, but ya that kinda makes her feel like a sister to me.

Gary - Friend of the family who comes to visit every so often. He is a cool person who DJ's.

Joey - Gary's brother. The gayest straight man ever, but damn he can dance good. Or, that I think the way he dances is neat. Either way it looks extremely homosexual, but he is cool. If that makes sense. hahaha

Chris - My smoking friend who lives in the wood with me. He is a real laid back cat.

Andre - About the only person from high school that I still hang out with.

Kristen - Someone I worked with, who is now single. A real REAL attractive girl, but from the looks of it she is talking to someone already. *tear*

and now people I have met online who are close to me

AJ - aka Lacks. From all the people I have met online this loser is my closest friend. He likes to draw and shit. I don't think I have been called a fag more by any other person.

Ryan - aka Fezz. Another good friend of mine. Is a real ladies man, watch out for him when he hits the dance floor. Will Smith would be proud.

Klye - aka Elky, aka Magus. Lil Fezz, always fun to hang out with, but recently he has been MIA.

Colin - aka kilik. The ladies man of Team Fezz. He is also like some sort of great Sould Calibur 2 player. I stole his shoes.

Derik - The biggest racist I have ever met. Also a very funny guy. Why is it that all racist are funny to me?

Ravi - The person who made. "Nigga, I'ma rape yo ass," a funny one liner. He of course "gots" me all the time.

Chris - aka faggot fuck, aka Twist. Ok, met him through Ravi who I met through AJ. Although this guy lives in my town and I am now part of his poker crew. He is super fast when he is drunk.

Jimmy - Chris' brother and poker wizard. He knows all the percentages of every hand. I am not entirely sure if that is something to be proud of.

Daniel - Friend of Chris who I became friends with after spending so much time staring him down across the poker table. I believe he is the only person who I was introduced to, while he was naked.

Caleb - Friend of Daniels, real nice guy.

Thomas - Friend of Daniels, brags about how many women he has slept with all the time. I believe him since he is like an ADD person. His numbers range in the 150's........

Mike - The asian guy we play poker with. He leaves his dandruff on the table. It is very nasty.

Nick - aka PMA. A really huge skater nerd who thinks his shit does not stink. He lives in Colorado and came all the way down to Florida to visit me. He really is a huge dork, but I guess that is him charm.

Brandon - aka Drl. Met him on AN. Thought he was cool, then I realized what a fag he was, but it was too late. He caught me in the friend zone. He really is a huge fag, and I write all this cause I know he will read it and get mad. He is also dying, which sucks, but if I ever meet him I will, make him eat a sugar cookie, and chug a beer. That way, he will go down in a blaze of glory.

Chris - (know WAY too many Chris') aka Guru. Twinked much? This guy thinks he knows everything. When he met me he found out that sarcasm is his worst enemy. He runs around with his penis tucked between his legs for fun.

Noel - aka Triple S. I am putting a lot of faith on this guy. I am going to fly to Cali, to meet up with him, a person I have never met before and chill over there and go to E3 and stuff. I have known him over the net long enough. I do not doubt him..........................

Prower - aka Link. hahahahahahah Eagles whore. Well, this guy is cool. One of my "fight the power" friends. We like to go on chat boards and cause a scene.

Josh - aka Hiko. Is this guy even my friend? He does not talk to me, unless I start up the convo. He came to my town once, did not call or visit me. He assumes everything, he never asks. He............. is a lost cause.......

hmmmm I think that is about it. Well, no, but that is enough for now.

LJ2

Am I turning into a whore? Is it an outside force?

This will be a journal blog from the past two days..........also, a reminded to myself. For people reading these, I will be of course talking with names you are unfamiliar with. I will, in time, make a list of the people around my life.

Work, I find out my brother, who was going to be my partner in the future business, quit. I am left with questions of what is left for him. His car, gone, his money, depleted, his job, over. Over........a simple fight between him and my cousin, it was my brother's decision, my cousin was never going to fire him. But, stubborn as my family is, that is it for him. He won't ever work with us again. That is unless, until I take over in the next five to six years, and see him struggling, I will of course...look out for my blood, my family.

I leave work, already knowing that his position had been filled. He was not hard to replace, that is the sad thing. Our cousin is doing both of us a huge favor. I know, pride was at fault. BUT, I know that I see a very good future in this job. I will not lose it so easily. I can see my future with out my cousins help, I am naive into this huge new world of clothes. I am not yet a person suitable to work here, yet I......we were given an opportunity to prove our worth.

Anyways, I leave work. I go to my old Publix, cause I have money I need to roll up. Not any thoughts of talking to old familiar faces. I drive in there, to see Sergio walking in front of my car. He lives no where near this place, so his presence seemed odd. It truly sucks, me and him, we were good friends. Be it, he was older, we used to hang out all the time. Breaking up with Delia was also, the break in our friendship, so when I do see him I feel bad, cause we are not the same, not anymore, not ever.

I see him, and of course I do not ignore him, I really hate to ignore people. His new wife leaves him, and me and him talk as we walk into the store. Ah.................my first job. How I hate this place so much. I walk in looking busted as hell, since in the morning I worked out at Steve's house and went straight to my job like that. I love the fact that I don't have to get dressed for this job. Well, at least, not when I am working in the office. .............Ahem, anyways back in Publix, no sooner then I get in visible range of the express lane does a girl I went on a date with long ago run up to me and grabs my arm, feeling it up I had assumed. Smiling at me, saying how good I look, I am still trying, but I don't even remember her name, over her. I move on. Sergio is still spitting shit in my ear, talking of what me and "the boys" are doing this weekend. Of one thing I was sure, I was going to spend a day with Jessy, though she had, recently, been giving me a cold shoulder. I wanted to figure out what was up. He was talking up a storm, just trying to feel me again, asked about Valentines. He nodded when he heard what I did and spent for Jessy, he acknowledged what I knew. That people are blocking us from, being. I picked up my change which I had turned into fifty seven dollars and was going to walk away, of course when Sergio was done talking to me. He leaves, then, I see in the corner of my eye, this girl named Kelly. White chick, an OLD friend of mine from pre-school days. A very attractive girl too, for being white.....hah. Anyways, when I worked there, I......well used to "fondle" her a lot. She never stopped me, so I never asked questions. I get her attention and she basically stops what she is doing to run over to me to chat. Blah blah blah, I don't care what you are saying. Misses me, yeah yeah.......I am like so ready to leave. I went there to get money so I could buy Stella Deus, at the moment, in mattered more. A customer occupies her, so I make me way towards the door when she yells back, "no no do not leave let me walk you to yer car." She gave me her number in the process. The walk to MY car was odd, we did not really walk to my car. We walked to hers. she opened it, the stench of old man ass and smoke came form the 03 Jetta. She blamed it on a previous owner. I, my sarcastic ass, blamed it on her immortal love for old man sex in cramped places. Now, I think she wanted me to get in the car. I made some silly pot head joke and started to walk back, she got the hint and followed me. Hugging me, why was not I hugging back? I don't want to disappoint her when I had someone I wanted to be with more. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we went our separate paths.

I had to think about it. There was a very large assortment of girls around me now. Wanting me:

Kristen - the girl who I used to work with at the children's place. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she was talking to me non stop.

Nelly - an old High school fling who saw me recently and wants to hang around with me more.

Alexis - My ex cousin, who my mom is trying desperately for me to get with. Nice, cute girl, I still see her as family.

Kathy - Ok, now this one really is not an option. This girl is fifteen, but she flirts with me and I do the same. I am just saying, if I wanted to.................

Jessica - I..........would trade them all for her.

.................I did not want to think about it. I played some spanish music in my car and the time passed. I could...be the biggest whore at this time, but I don't want to get involved unless it's her. I am ready, the real question is...was she? It is a lot to ask an eighteen year old. She seemed ready, her words felt true around New Years, but a long time has passed. Has she strayed away from me?

"That will be 53.49, bro." Said the voice behind the counter, as I stood in line to pick up Stella Deus. I snapped out of my daze and paid him with my new found money, that was converted from pocket change.

The rest of the day is boring, well not for me I was playing Stella Deus all night long after I got home, for all you...yeah I guess it would seem boring.

Day 2, April 29th.......

A rush, I am awoken by the pain in my throat, the soar throat still hurting me. I get a call from Daniel, asking if I want to play Basketball. I feel, like total ass, but I heard that sweating away the sickness is good, so I accept. The game was fun, I grew way to tired entirely too early. It was fun nonetheless.

I get to work, to drive up, to see my brother's replacement. A mid twenty'ish looking woman. Very attractive. A smile creeps up on my face. Pretty women make me happy. Work flew by, until my friend Steve called me. He is my work out buddy and I usually work out with him after school, before work. He calls me, to give me.........an incentive to work out more, but to not get mad. Not get mad me thinks........that usually implies me being extremely pissed off about something. And, since I am a calmed relaxed
person most of the time, I did not have to think long to figure what could possibly get me "mad", Jessy. He then asked if I wanted to know or not, I could feel the blood rise to my head, I was playing with kittens while on the phone, so I had to put the one down or I would literally squeeze it to death. Him not wanting to tell me solidified what I had assumed in my head. Jessica, the girl who I would do anything for, had a boyfriend and did not tell me about it. Betrayal, Anger, Angst, Sadness all filled me. No tears, I was just destroyed inside. My cousin's fiance saw it all over my face. Told me to get a drink, so I did. A couple actually. Then, as I sat there drinking away my pain, I thought of yesterday, of all the potential ass I could get with out trying. I had girls giving me their numbers, begging me to go out with them, asking me to call them up when I was bored. What I could now do, was not anything sane. I was thinking of, revenge. I would, forgive me...use these other girls to make Jessy jealous. All to my advantage, I feel bad for these other girls, but I am hurt and now wish to hurt other people. It is who I am, I can not change the fact. I hope I can change one day. God, now is my youth, the time of my adolescences in sex and exploration. If my goal was to be tied down with one girl, it had been changed today. Why, why did she go behind my back, I could have given her everything. I am building my life, my career in a family established route. Whoever I get with will be set for life. I wanted her, I still do, but.........why?

I wait, thinking of how she will react to seeing me tomorrow. Act like, she has done no wrong. My thoughts are to end up not like Micheal Vick, I don't want to get Herpes. I will protect myself. At least, with Jessy I knew, she was clean. Life disgust me...........

Live journal 1

"1st gay ass post here!

Yeah, so my diary is finally fully. I need someplace to write all of my bitching on. Today is my moms birthday, I got her some roses. I thought it sweet, only to find that right when she picked em up, the stems break.

She is going to go out to eat with her boy friend. She comes into my room, preparing to lecture me on something....I just know it......

....says, "sorry I broke yer flowers, but I heard you are going out with Alexis this friday." That she wants me to act on my best behavior around this girl..........who by the way I had thought to be my cousin for like a lil over 18 years, but is not.

She wants me to be on my best behavior...............obviously my mom does not go out a lot with me.

My Experience at the Warped Tour

Controlled Chaos.

I did not fully understand the concept until yesterday. I confronted controlled chaos up close and a little too personal.